Dust to Dust
by Lipton Lee
Summary: Jess Cracks
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Jess cracks.  
  
Spoilers: Seasons 1-4  
  
Timeline: 4 weeks after Last Week Fights This Week Tights  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. No money  
  
Dust to Dust  
  
The mirror was dingy. It needed cleaning. If Luke ever saw this mirror, he'd be disgusted.  
  
Hell, at this point, Jess was disgusted.  
  
But that wasn't news. Jess was disgusted with everything.  
  
The hole-in-the-wall apartment. The job. Himself. His family. His friends. Nothing seemed right, somehow. Nothing seemed to want to work.  
  
Everything looked so dark.  
  
He was skinny.  
  
He'd never seen himself so skinny before, but he wasn't eating much. Partially because he couldn't afford to, and partially because somewhere along that past four weeks, he'd lost his appetite. Hot dogs made him want to throw up.  
  
Nothing sense made.  
  
'Made sense,' he corrected himself. 'Must have the proper word order. Anything less won't do.'  
  
He stared in the mirror. He needed a shower.  
  
"You just took a shower," he muttered to himself, pulling at a strand of damp unruly hair. He looked closer into the mirror, brow furrowed. "Who are you?"  
  
He wasn't him.  
  
Him wasn't he.  
  
Word order.  
  
He stepped back from the mirror and walked out into the main apartment. It always looked the same. Two mattresses (Both alike in dignity, in Fair Verona where we lay our scene). Lots of stuff (books, cds, guitar case, movies) scattered around. There was a small shelf dedicated to dishes, glasses, forks, knives and spoons.  
  
Spoons!  
  
They have their own place in their little world. They sit on the left of the forks.  
  
"Where do I go?" he asked the shelf. Of course, it didn't answer. He smirked absently. "You're a shelf."  
  
When did he get like this?  
  
'Like what?' he thought. "I'm crazy," he said aloud. "I think. I think, therefore I am. I think."  
  
He picked up a glass and studied it a little. Glass half-empty. Glass half-full. Glass with no water. Glass with lots of water. Glass dropped on the floor.  
  
"Huh."  
  
He dropped- well... threw- the glass on the hardwood floor, and it shattered with that high-pitched sound that glass makes when it dies. Cracks, not dies. Glass can't die.  
  
He sat on the floor with his legs sprawled before him, looking down at all the pieces spread, and picked up a bigger chunk of glass. He looked it over, crossing, and uncrossing his eyes.  
  
"What happens when...when..." He pressed the glass to his finger and dragged it across the skin there, drawing blood. He didn't flinch, although he thought maybe he should. He bit his lip, and concentrated.

* * *

And the next thing Luke Danes knew, he was sitting in the waiting room of some run-down hospital a few blocks away from Jess's apartment.  
  
The doctor came out and informed him that his nephew had, in fact, lived, and Luke blew out a sigh of relief. Then he vowed to kill Jess for pulling a stunt like this on a Monday.  
  
He walked back into the small grimy room, and found Jess lying in the small bed. Pale, wrists bandaged up heavily and elbows tied down to the bed. Luke slowly made his way over to the younger man's side, and pulled up a seat.  
  
"Hi," Jess said, as if nothing was wrong.  
  
"Jess..."  
  
"It's not my fault!" Jess said suddenly.  
  
Luke sighed.  
  
"The spoon told me to do it."  
  
Luke put his face in his hands. "Jeez..."

* * *

"Door won't open."  
  
Luke sighed as Jess scratched at the diner's glass door. "Jess, you gotta put the key in, remember?"  
  
He stared at his uncle, and then back at the door. "Key."  
  
Luke nodded. "Yup. Key." He pulled out his key ring. "See?"  
  
Jess reached out and tried to grab it, but Luke kept it out of his reach.  
  
"Doctor said no sharp objects."  
  
Jess frowned deeply and swayed back and forth on his heels. "Knives are bad," he said quietly.  
  
Luke nodded. "Yeah, Jess. They are." He opened the door, and Jess walked in slowly.  
  
"KIRK!"  
  
"He's not here, Jess. No one's here, see?" Luke asked. "We're closed."  
  
Closed?  
  
CLOSED?  
  
"We can't be closed," Jess told him, looking distraught. "We can't be closed, we're not closed. We have to open the door so people can get in, because if... if people can't get in then... then they can't..."  
  
Luke sighed. "It's okay, Jess, I'm gonna open in a minute, okay? Why don't you go get a book from upstairs?"  
  
Jess stood still, staring at the counter.  
  
Luke raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Jess..."  
  
"It's all dirty."  
  
"Go upstairs, Jess."  
  
Jess rushed behind the counter, and dug out a bleach rag. He ran it under the sink, and then turned and began to scrub the counter.  
  
"God... Jess!"  
  
He looked up, eyes wide. "Ssshhh. People are trying to sleep!" He went back to scrubbing the counter.  
  
The door opened again, and Jess jumped back a little from the counter, staring.  
  
The occupant of the doorway stared back.  
  
"Luke...?"  
  
Luke sighed. "Lorelai, we're not open yet."  
  
"I kinda thought since we're dating now, that shouldn't really matter," Lorelai replied absently. "What's he doing here?"  
  
"I'm taking care of him," Luke replied.  
  
Lorelai shook her head in confusion. "Taking care of..."  
  
"It's still dirty!"  
  
Lorelai looked to Jess, who was still scrubbing the counter. He looked awful, and was still wearing his leather jacket, which looked a little bulky around the end of his sleeves. His hair was more disheveled than usual, and he didn't look at all like himself.  
  
"Why won't it come clean?! LUKE!"  
  
"I'm right here, Jess," Luke said, walking over to the counter. "It's clean."  
  
Jess shook his head. "No. No, no, no, no, no!"  
  
Luke took his nephew by the shoulders. "Jess."  
  
He looked up, his eyes wild.  
  
"Go upstairs, okay? Sit on the couch, and read a book."  
  
Jess nodded slowly, and put the rag down. "Okay." He slowly walked to the stairs.  
  
"Jess, don't go into the kitchen."  
  
"Kitchen?" Jess asked absently.  
  
"Go."  
  
Jess nodded and disappeared.  
  
Lorelai watched him. "What...I..."  
  
Luke sighed, and took a chair down off of one of the tables. "Sit."  
  
She did.  
  
Luke took another down and sat backwards on it, across from her. "The doctors say he had a breakdown, and now he's...he's having problems... really bad problems...He tried to kill himself."  
  
Lorelai's eyes widened once more.  
  
"They don't even know if he meant to," Luke went on. "With medication and therapy, they say that he should be back to normal... mostly, but he needs time. A good place to stay, and somebody to watch out for him."  
  
"Where's Liz?"  
  
"Don't know," Luke replied.  
  
"This should be her responsibility," Lorelai argued. "Not yours. You shouldn't have to bail him out again."  
  
"He needs me, Lorelai. I promised him-"  
  
They heard a loud noise from upstairs, and both stared at each other before rushing up to the apartment. They found Jess sitting in a pile of books on the floor, sifting through them.  
  
"Jess?" Luke asked, kneeling down, picking up the books.  
  
Jess grabbed at the books Luke had gathered. "Not done! Have to find it!"  
  
Lorelai softened. This was for real. The desperate, sad look in Jess's eyes. The books on the floor. He'd taken his coat off, revealing thick bandages around both of his wrists.  
  
This was for real.  
  
She knelt next to Luke and took the nineteen-year-old gently by the arms. "Hey, Jess. It's okay, okay? We'll help you find it."  
  
Luke glanced at her, but didn't question her sudden understanding. "I'm gonna go get his medication."  
  
Lorelai nodded and took the book from Luke as he got to his feet.  
  
"Go?" Jess asked, watching his uncle worriedly.  
  
"He'll be right back, Sweetie," Lorelai said. "Now. What are we looking for?"  
  
Jess looked confused. "Looking...?"  
  
Lorelai nodded. "Yeah. You've got all these books. What are you looking for?"  
  
Jess dropped the book he was holding and curled up. Looking. Seeing. Finding. Looking. What did he want? What was it? He'd wanted it so badly, but he just couldn't remember anymore. "Looking?" 


	2. Pt 2

A/N: Thank you for all the great reviews!  
  
Jess chewed on his pills and wrinkled his nose. "Chalky."  
  
Luke sighed. "Jess, you can't chew, you have to swallow."  
  
Jess snickered. Swallow. He wasn't even sure why it was funny.  
  
The older man shook his head and handed his nephew a glass of water. "Don't drop it."  
  
Jess took the glass, and stared. "No. Can't drop it. Don't wanna drop it. Dropping bad." Where had he seen a glass like this before, again?  
  
"Drink it, Jess."  
  
He put it to his lips and spilled a little as he drank, getting his shirt wet.  
  
"Aw, Jeez, you're spilling," Luke complained, and started digging for paper towels.  
  
Jess looked upset all of the sudden, holding the glass much tighter than he should. "I'm sorry," he moaned. "I... I can't... it...it's not my fault!"  
  
Lorelai sighed and walked over to them. She'd been watching from the couch. "It's okay," she told them. "It's just water." She took the glass from Jess, which took a little work, considering his grip on it, but she managed to take it and set it on the counter.  
  
Jess stood there staring at Lorelai, and then back at Luke, and then at Lorelai again.  
  
"What's up, Jess?" Lorelai asked, as Luke handed her the paper towels and she began to wipe Jess's shirt.  
  
Jess merely looked down at his shirt. "I'm all wet!"  
  
Luke sighed. "Jess, you wanna help in the diner today?"  
  
"Always in the way," Jess blurted out.  
  
"You are not," Luke argued. "You're a big help. Come on, it'll be great. Like old times."  
  
This seemed to confuse the younger man.  
  
"Luke really needs your help," Lorelai said calmly to Jess.  
  
Jess tried to think this over. Help. Help, help, help. "Okay," he said. "I'll help. I can help. I'm not bad."

* * *

"It's so hard to believe," Lorelai said softly as she played with her coffee mug. She'd been in the diner, watching Luke and Jess work the entire day.  
  
Luke sighed. "Yeah, well, believe it."  
  
"Wasn't I devilled egging his car a year ago?" Lorelai asked. "W-wasn't he stealing my beer a couple of years back? Dating my daughter? Being a jerk?"  
  
"At least the medication seems to be helping," Luke replied. "He's quieter, and he hasn't dropped anything yet. Although I can't make out what the hell he writes on the order pad."  
  
Lorelai looked sad all of the sudden and drank her coffee. "I once found a book of Rory's that he wrote in... everything was so neat and articulate..."  
  
Luke shook his head as he rung Andrew up. He really didn't know what to say anymore. He took the coffee pot and walked over to give Ms. Patty a refill as she waited for her food.  
  
"Oh, Luke, honey, I am so sorry about Jess," Patty said sympathetically. "What happened?"  
  
Luke shook his head yet again. He should have known it would get around. "He's just... not himself anymore."  
  
"We'll he ever get better?"  
  
Luke nodded. "Gonna take time."  
  
"Well, you give him a kiss for me, the poor dear," Patty said.  
  
Luke gave another numb nod. "Yeah."  
  
The bell on the door rang gently, signifying the arrival of another person.  
  
"Oh, my god! Again?!"  
  
Jess squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore her voice.  
  
Not here not here not here.  
  
He walked over to Kirk's table and set his food down.  
  
"What are you doing here?!"  
  
'Not here!' he thought. 'Can't you hear the music?! You're not here!'  
  
Luke walked behind the counter, and just watched, along with Lorelai. He knew neither would want him to interfere, even if Jess really didn't know which way was up anymore. He took Lorelai's hand, and she squeezed his gently.  
  
Still, Jess stayed silent.  
  
"Why can't you just stay away?!" Rory yelled.  
  
"I tried," he told her quietly.  
  
"Try harder," she snapped.  
  
He turned finally and gave her a smile. "As you wish, Princess." He pushed up his sleeves and began to try and tear at the professional-looking dressings that adorned his wrists. Why did he need them, anyways?  
  
Rory's eyes widened and she stared at him in shock.  
  
"Can't get it," he muttered, still trying to rip at the bandages. "Little help?"  
  
Rory backed away from him, nearly tripping over a chair leg. She turned and ran out.  
  
Jess didn't seem to notice. He only kept trying to peel back the gauze. "Stupid."  
  
Luke slowly walked out from behind the counter and stood in front of Jess. "Hey, don't do that," he told him quietly. He gently pulled Jess's hands away from his wrists. "Go on upstairs for a little, okay?"  
  
Lorelai got up and walked over. "I have to go after her."  
  
Luke nodded. "Yeah, go. I got him."  
  
Lorelai nodded back and kissed Luke's cheek as she left him to struggle to keep Jess's hands apart. She heard Jess's distressed protests and closed her eyes before walking out the door.  
  
There was Rory, sitting on the curb, face in her hands.  
  
"Rory."  
  
She didn't look up. "This is some kind of joke, right?"  
  
"No, Rory," Lorelai said softly. "It's not." She sat next to her daughter and pulled her closer. "You didn't hear?"  
  
"I don't like gossip these days," Rory muttered. "Most of it tends to be disparaging remarks about me."  
  
Lorelai shook her head. "This is all Jess... although a lot of people think it's your fault."  
  
"Isn't it?"  
  
"Of course not," Lorelai said, a little upset. "Rory, Jess has problems. You knew this when you dated him."  
  
"I knew he was a jerk!" Rory cried. "I didn't know he was mentally unbalanced."  
  
"He wasn't then."  
  
"I don't want him here," Rory said. "There's too much going on right now. I can't handle him being here and... crazy... god! He tried to kill himself?"  
  
Lorelai nodded. "Luke is taking care of him."  
  
"What about his mom?" Rory asked. "Why does he have to be here?"  
  
"Because Luke is here, and he needs Luke. I've met Liz...I don't think she and her husband would last an hour taking care of Jess."  
  
Rory sighed. "God."

* * *

Luke walked into the apartment and sat next to Jess, who was reading a book. Luke wasn't even sure if he was reading. He could have just been staring, for all he knew.  
  
"You okay?" Luke asked.  
  
Jess threw the book onto the coffee table. "She hates me."  
  
"She doesn't hate you," Luke replied. "She was just surprised to see you here."  
  
"She hates me," Jess went on, as if he hadn't hard Luke. "She hates me. She always yells, now, and I don't know why. She never used to yell. Was I bad?"  
  
"Kind of, but that was last year," Luke replied. "You're not bad now. She's just going through a tough time."  
  
Jess nodded a little and stared off.  
  
"Hey," Luke said. "You wanna come back downstairs?"  
  
Jess shook his head. "Eyes."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Eyes!" Jess cried. It was like no one ever listened anymore! It's not like he was crazy or... anything... was it? "Eyes! They stare, and they whisper and they don't away go!"  
  
Luke blinked. "Go away?"  
  
"Word order!" Jess cried frantically, getting to his feet.  
  
Luke got up as well. "Okay... Hey, why don't you go and just go lie down and take a rest."  
  
Jess stood still, staring at Luke.  
  
Luke sighed. "Come on. Let's get you to bed for a while. You're tired." 


	3. Pt 3

"It's three in the morning."  
  
Rory nodded as she sorted her laundry. "I know."  
  
"Go to sleep."  
  
"I can't sleep."  
  
Lorelai sighed and sat down on her daughter's bed.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," Rory told her.  
  
Lorelai nodded.  
  
"I don't want to talk about Dean. I don't want to talk about Jess. I just want to sort my laundry."  
  
Lorelai nodded, and slid onto the floor next to Rory. She started to help her sort her laundry.

* * *

And two weeks later he couldn't sleep.  
  
He hadn't slept in days.  
  
Had it been days? It all seemed like one, big, long day. Never ending. It would be light, and then it wouldn't. It'd be dark.  
  
Dark.  
  
Dark, dark, dark, so dark!  
  
It wasn't night, was it? There were no stars. There had to be stars for it to be dark! He stared at the window.  
  
"Are you night?"  
  
He lay there and sighed heavily, loudly into the thick darkness. He hugged his pillow and squeezed his eyes shut, but it did no good. He wanted to go find Luke, but the last time he had, he'd been yelled at a little.  
  
He didn't like yelling.  
  
Yelling was bad. It meant he was bad. He didn't want to be bad anymore. And it was so loud. Like raisins.  
  
He couldn't sleep.  
  
Couldn't sleep.  
  
Sleep.  
  
Couldn't.  
  
He sat up and looked around at his old room. He got out of bed and walked slowly over to the stereo, glaring at it. He wanted to hear music, but he couldn't for the life of him remember how to work it.  
  
He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at it.

* * *

Rory had not been into the diner since the day Jess had come back. She thought of going in often enough, but never actually did. She'd walk up to the door, and stop, and turn and walk back home.  
  
"Rory!"  
  
She turned one day to see Luke rushing after her. "Hey, Luke."  
  
"Can we talk?" he asked, catching up to her.  
  
She shrugged. "Sure."  
  
"You haven't been in, in a while," Luke pointed out.  
  
Rory shrugged again. "I've been... busy."  
  
"Busy avoiding Jess."  
  
She only looked down.  
  
"What happened to him-"  
  
"Isn't my fault, I know," Rory cut him off. "Is he any better?"  
  
Luke sighed. "A little. Had to switch medications. Probably will again if this recent stuff doesn't start working."  
  
Rory nodded.  
  
"Come in."  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"Rory..."  
  
"I can't see him like that."  
  
Luke's expression became bitter. "How do you think he'd feel if this were the other way around?"  
  
Rory couldn't say anything.  
  
"He'd still come to see you."  
  
Rory swallowed hard as Luke stalked back into the diner.  
  
Lorelai walked up. "Hey," she said gently. "Going in?"  
  
Rory nodded slowly.

* * *

"Hold still."  
  
He whimpered.  
  
Luke sighed miserably. "Jess, will you just hold still?!"  
  
"I can't, it's gonna get me!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
Jess batted the hairbrush away. "Stop," he whined. It hurt. It was pointy. It was going to suck his brains through it's... pointy things!  
  
What?  
  
Luke attempted to run the brush through his freshly washed, yet extremely messy hair, but Jess covered his head with his arms.  
  
Luke threw up his hands in frustration. He set the brush down on the kitchen table. "Okay. Fine. I'm going downstairs."  
  
Jess gave him a hurt look. "I was bad again."  
  
Luke sighed, feeling guilty. "Jess..."  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm always bad. I won't be bad anymore." He picked up the brush, but didn't seem to know what to do with it.  
  
Luke sighed. "Just... stay up here today, okay, Jess? Your medicine isn't working again."  
  
Agitated, Jess dropped the brush down on the table again. "Why do I need to take those stupid pills?!" he cried. "One makes you taller, one makes you smaller, and let's you go through the little door so you can follow the white rabbit, and it's not a good idea anyways, because... because..."  
  
Luke sighed, frustrated, and left the apartment.

* * *

"Count of three," Lorelai said.  
  
Rory nodded slowly as they stared at the diner door.  
  
"One. Two. Three."  
  
They entered to find Luke taking an order. He seemed surprised to see Rory. "Hey."  
  
Lorelai smiled as she walked over and kissed him briefly. "Hey. Get any sleep last night?"  
  
"Some," Luke replied. "I think he was awake most of the night again, but decided not to bother me this time."  
  
"How is he?"  
  
Luke sighed. "Medicine still isn't working... I'm gonna have to take him back for another prescription... He wouldn't let me brush his hair this morning."  
  
Lorelai smiled a little. "I can-"  
  
"I'll try," Rory said quietly.  
  
Both of them looked back at her. Luke felt a little guilty. She was doing this because of what he'd said to her. Or at least, that's what he thought.  
  
"Rory, you don't have to-"  
  
"I'll try," she repeated, just as calmly as before.  
  
"Babe..." Lorelai started.  
  
"Its fine," Rory told her. She made her way up the stairs, with both adults watching.

* * *

She refused to cry for him.  
  
She'd promised herself when he'd left for California that she would not shed one tear for him. She'd held to that promise well.  
  
But he looked lost, and weak, sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the hair brush in front of him. He looked...dead, almost.  
  
The thought burned like the tears that refused to fall.  
  
He looked up at her, a little confused. "Rory?"  
  
"Y-yes?" she stammered, wiping her eyes.  
  
"Why are you crying?" He got up to walk over to her.  
  
She hadn't even realized that her tears had finally fallen. "I'm fine."  
  
"And you sad?" he asked. "Don't be sad."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"Was I bad again?" he asked. "I can make it better if I was. I don't wan you to hate me anymore."  
  
"I don't hate you."  
  
"Don't cry."  
  
"Jess..."  
  
He looked around frantically. "I can fix it. I just have to find..." he stopped. "Where'd it go?"  
  
"Jess..."  
  
"It's gone!" he cried. He rushed about the apartment, looking through boxes and even the refrigerator. "It was here, I know it was!"  
  
"Jess!"  
  
He stopped and looked at her from the kitchen again. "You're mad."  
  
"No."  
  
He slumped back down into his chair. "I was bad again."  
  
More tears fell. "Jess..."  
  
He looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry."  
  
She sniffed and wrapped her arms around herself.  
  
"It's just that... there were hot dogs and I really like hot dogs and you were mad because I was bad, and I couldn't fix anything, but I can fix it now. I just have to find it, but it's gone and I don't know where it went! God!" He got up again with his last word, almost knocking his chair over.  
  
She sniffed a little and managed to make her feet move. She slowly walked over to him and he backed away from her, into the refrigerator door. She shakily lifted the hair brush from the table.  
  
"Hold still."  
  
He didn't move.  
  
She reached out gently, and began to straighten his hair. 


	4. Pt 4

The doctor leaned back in the chair behind his desk a week later. "If you feel confident that you can provide the proper care for your nephew, then by all means keep him at home. Just know that the option to hospitalize him is always open."  
  
Luke nodded. "Thank you." He glanced at Jess, who had been silent for the entire evaluation. He was staring at a spot on the desk.  
  
"Jess?" the doctor said gently. "How do you feel?"  
  
"There's a roach on your desk," Jess replied. He smacked a hand down on the wooden surface, but there was nothing there.  
  
"I think you got it," Luke nodded. "Good job."  
  
Jess smiled a little.  
  
"I'm glad this recent medication seems to be working better," the doctor commented. "He seems much calmer, though I think that maybe in a few weeks we should try something a little stronger to see if it helps even more."  
  
Lorelai nodded and pushed some hair away from Jess's eyes.  
  
The doctor sighed. "Alright. Well, I think that's it. I'll see you in two weeks."

* * *

"I still can't believe you bought every psychology book Andrew had," Lane grumbled as she helped Rory carry her purchases out of the book store.  
  
Rory shrugged. "I'm interested. Maybe if I know more, I can help."  
  
Lane sighed. "It's so weird how he is now. No eye rolls, no verbal sparring..."  
  
"He'll get better," Rory replied, her voice slightly hollow.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Rory stopped walking and sighed. "I think I'm having problems differentiating guilt and affection."  
  
Lane nodded slowly. "You don't know if you still care because you still care or if you still care because you feel bad for what happened to him."  
  
Rory shook her head. "When did I turn into a bad person?"  
  
"You're not," Lane frowned. "Now come on, these books are heavy."

* * *

Lorelai smiled. "That... is just amazing."  
  
Jess concentrated on slowly tying his shoes as he walked down Main Street with Lorelai. Tie shoes.  
  
Tie, tie, tie. Say, Say, Say. Bad song.  
  
When he got to his feet, he seemed slightly disoriented but seeing the woman in front of him seemed to pull him back a little. He smiled at her a little. "Hi."  
  
"Hey, there," she replied. "Good job on those shoes. You're a shoe master! A shoe black belt! A shoe..."  
  
"Finger," Jess supplied.  
  
Lorelai nodded slowly. "Okay. Shoe Finger works. Are you ready to go to the market?"  
  
Jess nodded and let her take his hand. He held hers loosely and looked around.  
  
"I like trees."  
  
Lorelai smiled a little and nodded. "I know."  
  
"Can we go to the bookstore?"  
  
Lorelai gave another nod. "Sure."  
  
They walked into the market and she picked up the basket.  
  
"Ah, Lorelai," Taylor nodded. He frowned at Jess. "Keep an eye on him."  
  
Lorelai rolled her eyes. "You know he can't do anything, Taylor. He just tied his own shoes for the first time since he got back here."  
  
"Did I hear that somebody tied his shoe?" Patty asked excitedly, rushing over. "Jess, honey, that's wonderful!"  
  
Jess cringed and took a step back.  
  
Lorelai frowned. "He didn't get much sleep last night."  
  
"Oh, the poor dear," Patty said.  
  
Jess glared.  
  
Lorelai sighed. "We should get our groceries." She walked with Jess to the back of the store, and he wrenched his hand away from hers.  
  
She sighed. "Jess..."  
  
"Don't want their pity," he spat out, trying to be quiet.  
  
Lorelai nodded. "I know... Patty is just trying to be nice."  
  
Jess nodded but didn't look at her.  
  
"Come on," Lorelai said, trying to take his hand. "Let's get what we need, and then we'll go."  
  
Jess shook his head profusely and stormed away from her and out of the market.  
  
Lorelai rushed out after him. "Jess!" She looked around the sidewalk but he was nowhere to be found.  
  
She sighed and headed toward Luke's.

* * *

Water.  
  
Cathartic.  
  
He wanted to leave.  
  
He wanted to get into his car and go away, but he couldn't remember where he put it, and he couldn't for the life of him remember where his feet were supposed to go.  
  
Left foot, right foot, left foot right foot.  
  
He shook out his head.  
  
"Not fair," he snapped at the water beneath him. If he could just... jump in from the bridge and never come up, this wouldn't have to happen. Things wouldn't be bad anymore.  
  
But he didn't want to go. But he did. But he didn't. Didn't he did. He didn't.  
  
He looked down at his reflection in the water and sighed, annoyed. He looked like him, but he didn't look like him, and there were fish.  
  
Where did he go?

* * *

"You lost him?!"  
  
Lorelai sighed in frustration. "He ran off on me! I...I didn't know which way he went, and I am so, so sorry."  
  
Luke sighed and slapped his bleach rag down on the counter. "Well, let's go find him."  
  
Rory cleared her throat and both adults stared at her.  
  
"I think I know where he went."

* * *

"You were right."  
  
Rory nodded as they stood at the edge of the bridge, watching Jess look down at the lake beneath him. He was so still. It almost felt like looking at a real-life painting. Crazy Boy on Bridge. Rory scolded herself for thinking it.  
  
"We can't all go over there at once," Lorelai said. "He'll freak out."  
  
Luke nodded. "I'll go."  
  
Both Gilmores watched Luke walk slowly onto the bridge and sit next to Jess, who showed no sign of acknowledgement of his uncle's presence. He just kept staring.  
  
"I have to go home," Rory told her mother softly. "I have books to read." 


	5. Pt 5

Thanks for all the great reviews! And the patience...  
  
Lydia rules  
  
Rory gave Lorelai and Luke a smile. "Go! Have fun!"  
  
Luke sighed and looked around his apartment a little. "Are you sure you can handle Jess?"  
  
"It'll be fine," Rory replied. "We'll watch movies, and we'll read, and then he'll sleep... he's been sleeping a lot lately."  
  
Lorelai frowned. "New medication again."  
  
Rory nodded and looked back at Jess, who was slowly making his way through one of his books. "It doesn't seem to be helping very much..."  
  
Luke nodded solemnly. "Gonna have to change it again."  
  
Rory nodded back and pushed the two out the door. "Have a good time. Don't do anything illegal, and I'll see you when you get back."  
  
Jess blinked worriedly as he watched the couple walk out the door. He got to his feet. "Go?"  
  
"They're going on a date," Rory told him.  
  
He furrowed his brow. "Oh."  
  
Date.  
  
Huh.  
  
Heh.  
  
Date.  
  
"You wanna watch a movie?" Rory asked, sitting on the couch.  
  
He stood awkwardly. "Movie?"  
  
Rory nodded. "How about..." she wandered over to the small pile of movies Luke had collected from Jess's old place in New York. "How about Edward Scissor Hands? Do you like that movie?"  
  
Movie?  
  
Scissors.  
  
Runs with scissors!  
  
Movie...  
  
Edward...  
  
He didn't know what to say, so he nodded.

* * *

Halfway into the movie, Jess was screaming his head off.  
  
Rory jumped from the sudden outcry, and wondered if he ever screamed before. "Jess!"  
  
He covered his head with his arms.  
  
"Jess, it's okay," Rory soothed. "It's just a movie." She grabbed the remote and clicked the television off. "See?"  
  
He lowered his arms and looked around.  
  
Where'd the movie go?  
  
He looked at her, confused. "Go?"  
  
"No," Rory replied, smoothing down some of his hair. He'd gotten it trimmed recently, but it was still longer than it used to be. "No, no one's going anywhere."  
  
He looked frantically around the room for a moment, before settling his eyes somewhere past her and staying silent.  
  
Go.  
  
No go.  
  
Go no.  
  
Go, go, go, go.  
  
He couldn't seem to get things right anymore.  
  
"Jess?" Rory ran her hand through his hair again.  
  
He blinked at her. "Hi."  
  
She nodded. "Hi," she mumbled. They were close now.  
  
"Don't," he said quietly.  
  
She did anyways.  
  
He pulled his lips away from hers and got to his feet, his eyes wide.  
  
"Oh, god," Rory muttered. She felt queasy all of the sudden. "Jess... wait..." She got to her feet and took a couple of steps toward him, but he took a few steps back.  
  
"Don't," he repeated. "Stop."  
  
"Calm down," Rory pleaded. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"You're not supposed to do that," he told her. "You're not... you don't do that. You... no... no, no, no, you don't do that!"  
  
Rory felt like she might cry. How could she have been so stupid? "Jess, please."  
  
"I have to..." he looked around. "I... I can't... no... I..." He made a quick exit to the bathroom.  
  
There was an ambulance outside the diner when Luke put the truck in park on Main Street. He went pale. "Shit." He got out and rushed over, Lorelai close behind.

* * *

"Dammit, Rory! You can't do that!"  
  
Rory sat in front of her mother, trying to hold back tears.  
  
The two of them were waiting for Luke to come back with word on what was going. They were sitting in the emergency room.  
  
"I'm sorry," Rory replied. "I wasn't thinking."  
  
"You have to think with Jess now," Lorelai pleaded. "You have to be careful with Jess, or things like this happen."  
  
"I didn't know he was going to do this!" Rory yelled. "I didn't mean for this to happen!"  
  
"That doesn't matter!"  
  
Rory shot up out of her seat. "When did you start caring about Jess more than you care about me?!"  
  
Lorelai sputtered a little. "What?!"  
  
Rory shook her head and stormed out.

* * *

"So?"  
  
The doctor sighed. "The cuts weren't deep enough to do much damage... any idea what brought this on?"  
  
Luke shook his head. He had no clue why Jess had tried to kill himself... again. He'd have to talk to Rory later. "No... I don't know."  
  
The doctor nodded. "Well... I must say, after this I'm not too comfortable sending him home."  
  
"That makes two of us," Luke replied. "I... I think maybe it's time."

* * *

They sat in the dark diner in silence later that night.  
  
"Any word from Rory?"  
  
Lorelai shook her head. "Not since she left the hospital."  
  
Luke nodded. "I uh..." He looked around.  
  
Lorelai watched him.  
  
He slowly put his head down on the table and covered it his arms. "God, I can't believe I left him there."  
  
Lorelai slid her chair over and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. 


	6. Pt 6

**Dust to Dust chapter 6**

"This is really fancy, Luke," Liz smiled as she looked upon the dinner Luke had cooked and set up at the kitchen table. "What's the occasion?" Her smiled grew wider as she looked from Luke to Lorelai. "You guys are getting married, aren't you?"

Lorelai sighed quietly as she sat down at the table in Luke's apartment.

"Oh, this is so exciting!" Liz cried. "Do you have a date? Where do you want to-"

"No, Liz," Luke cut in, looking down at his plate. "We're not getting married."

"No?" Liz pouted. "Oh… so what's- You're having a baby!"

"No," Luke replied hurried. "This isn't about us."

"It's about Jess," Lorelai told her.

Liz blinked. "Jess?" She smiled. "Oh, Jess! How is he? Last I talked to him, he was-"

"Jess is sick," Luke told her. "Really sick."

Liz frowned. "What?"

"He's sick," Lorelai repeated.

The blond woman stared, her eyes deathly cold. "How sick? Where is he?"

"He's not here," Luke told her slowly.

"Well, where is he, Luke?" Liz snapped, her voice urgent. "Where the hell is my kid!"

Luke clenched his jaw, and opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came.

"He's…getting help," Lorelai said softly.

Liz tilted her head. "Getting help for what?" She turned to Luke, looking her brother in the eyes. "Where…is…Jess?"

Luke and Lorelai gave each other a glance.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It had been decided that Rory would help Lane and Caesar manage the diner while Luke and Lorelai talked to Liz.

She was refilling the coffees when Liz came bolting down the stairs.

Lane watched, and pursed her lips as the blond woman stormed out. "Oh, man…"

Rory set down the coffee filter she'd been holding, and went after Liz.

Lane sighed sadly, and watched as Luke and Lorelai walked down into the diner.

"Liz?"

"I don't really feel like talking right now," Liz said, without turning around. "If you don't mind, I'd just like to be alone."

"I'm so sorry," Rory said quietly.

Liz laughed bitterly. "Oh, believe me, I'm the one who should be sorry."

Rory opened her mouth, but Liz continued.

"I'm his mother," she snapped. "Where the hell was I when this was happening?"

"Jess isn't exactly a little-"

"You live with your mom, don't you? Rory, right? Lorelai's daughter?" Liz asked.

The younger woman nodded. "I am…and…I do…live with my mom-"

"Jess hasn't lived with me since he was fifteen," Liz said. "I couldn't be bothered to actually try and fix what was wrong…and look where it's got him."

Rory merely stared.

Liz shook her head and walked off.

Rory watched her for a long moment, before storming back into the diner, and up to the apartment.

Lorelai sighed heavily. "Here we go." She rushed up the stairs after her daughter, and walked into the apartment, to find her pacing. "Rory…"

"Liz thinks it's her fault."

"Rory…"

"It's not her fault!" Rory cried.

"I know it's not," Lorelai replied gently.

"It's mine!"

Lorelai shook her head.

"You said it yourself!" Rory cried. "At the hospital last night, you blamed me, and you were right! You were so right!"

"I was upset, I didn't mean that!" Lorelai yelled. "Things happen! Jess is sick, and it's no one's fault!"

They stood silently for a long moment, before Rory sniffed and wiped the unshed tears from her eyes.

"I really miss him, Mom," she whimpered. "I miss Jess."

Lorelai sighed and wrapped her arms around her daughter. "I know."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It didn't take Luke long to find his sister.

She was sitting on the bridge, looking down at the lake.

Genetics were a funny thing.

He sat down next to her and sighed as the day ended around them. "So here's the deal."

Liz didn't look up.

"I've got a ton of beer back at my apartment, all ready and waiting for us."

Still, she didn't answer.

Luke sighed. "Come on, Liz."

"Why did I become a mother?" Liz asked.

Luke blinked. "Liz…"

"Why?"

"Because you thought you were in love with Jimmy and you wanted a baby," Luke spat out. "I asked you that same question when you got pregnant with Jess; that's the exact answer you gave me."

"Maybe…"

"Oh, no," Luke warned. "Don't you even start."

"Look what I did to him!" Liz cried.

"You didn't do anything!" Luke yelled back. "Jeez! Why does everyone blame themselves for this!"

"Oh, please," Liz scoffed. "Don't try and tell me you don't put this on yourself. I know you."

Luke sighed. "If I hadn't kicked him out…If I'd been more patient."

Liz nodded. "So…beer?"

Luke nodded back. "Yeah."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He looked dazed.

"Hi, Jess."

He glanced up at them from the table they sat at and nodded.

Rory tried to smile. "I brought you a book." He held up the novel. "Hemmingway; Your favorite."

He didn't reply.

Lorelai looked over Jess with worry. He seemed to have gotten even thinner. She got up and walked over to one of the nurses. "Hi…"

"Hello," the brunette replied. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm visiting Jess Mariano, I was one of his caretakers at home," Lorelai explained. "I was wondering…he looks really skinny…"

The nurse sighed. "Well…he tried to hide a knife in his room, so we don't give him knives to try and cut his food anymore…and he won't let anyone cut his food for him."

Lorelai tried to smile. "Stubborn, isn't he?"

Rory sighed as she watched Jess. He looked almost like a lifeless doll. She reached over and brushed some of his hair out of his face and to her surprise he reached up and took her hand in his.


	7. Chapter 7

Dust to Dust Chapter 7

The therapist leaned forward in his chair and sighed. "The truth, Mr. Danes, is that he has stopped talking in session, and when he was talking in session, it was nonsensical."

Luke sighed and glanced at both Liz and Lorelai. "That's our Jess."

"So…what do you want us to do?" Liz asked. "He never talked to us even when he wasn't loony-tunes."

Luke rolled his eyes at his sister's comment.

The therapist cleared his throat. "Well…I wanted him to write down what he was feeling…but he hasn't been very cooperative. I feel that he may respond more positively to one of you."

"We can ask Rory," Liz suggested.

"No," Luke protested. "We can't keep taking advantage of her. She's got work to do."

Lorelai nodded. "I can sit with him for a while."

"No, you don't have to do that," Luke said gently. "I'll sit with him."

"Hey, I can sit with him just as well as you can," Liz objected. "I'm his mother."

At that moment, the door to the office opened, and Rory came in, obviously rushed. "Hey. Sorry I'm so late."

Lorelai gave her a confused look. "Rory, sweetie, what are you doing here?"

"You told me you were meeting with the therapist."

"But I didn't say you had to come."

She shrugged, and sat down next to her mother. "I wanted to. What are we talking about?"

The therapist cleared his throat. "I was saying that we've been trying to get Jess to write down his thoughts, and one of your presences might be helpful."

"Has he started writing again?" Rory asked. "Because he was having trouble with it."

"We think it might be good for him if he tried," the therapist replied. "The last time we tried, he got frustrated and threw his pencil across the room."

Rory frowned. "What if he talked and one of us typed it up for him?"

"Again, I think it would be better if Jess wrote."

"He only gets frustrated when he really can't do something," Luke pointed out.

"His handwriting is different now than it used to be. It's bigger, and a little sloppier," Lorelai added. "Maybe that's what he's frustrated with…"

Rory nodded. "It used to be very small, and very neat."

The therapist sighed. "So you don't think we should try and get him to write?"

"I can come with my laptop, and type up what he says," Rory volunteered.

Lorelai sighed. "Rory, maybe you shouldn't."

Rory gave her mother a confused look. "Why not?"

"Because you spend every spare moment you have with Jess," Lorelai said. "You've got school, and the paper, and you should be having fun. You're in college."

"So? I like spending time with Jess. I want to spend time with Jess."

"Listen," Lorelai said seriously. "I know you miss him. And I know that you feel in some way responsible for his being here, but you need to live your life."

"I am living my life," Rory snapped. She turned to the therapist. "I'll come by tomorrow with my laptop to see Jess." With that she got up and left the office.

Lorelai sighed and muttered an "excuse me" before rushing after her daughter.

Liz sighed. "Can I see Jess?"

The therapist nodded. "Follow me."

Luke sighed and sat back in his chair as Liz was led out. "Dammit," he muttered.

---------

"Rory."

She stopped and turned to her mother.

"Rory, I don't want you to come here anymore."

"What!"

Lorelai sighed. "It's…you're spending too much time here. Have you made any friends at school since you've gone back?"

"A few," Rory replied. "Mom, I'm fine. I want to be here. I want to help him."

"And I want you to have a normal year at school."

"I am!" Rory cried. "What makes you think I'm not?"

"You spend most of your time here!" Lorelai pointed out. "It's not your fault he's like this. He's not your responsibility!"

"He's my friend!"

"And you're his friend! He wouldn't want you spending so much time here!"

"Stop talking about him like he's dead!"

Lorelai sighed and paused for a moment. "Rory, he's not yours. He's not your son, or your brother, or cousin. He's not your boyfriend. He's not your-"

"He isn't yours either," Rory snapped.

"But Luke is mine," Lorelai said softly. "And I am here for Luke. I help Jess for Luke."

"So, what?" Rory asked, visibly getting upset. "All these months, you've been faking actually caring about Jess because he's Luke's nephew?"

"Of course not," Lorelai said. "But I wouldn't be here all the time if Luke and I weren't together."

Rory said nothing.

"So what are you doing, Rory? Is this pity? Or guilt?" Lorelai asked, crossing her arms.

Still, she said nothing.

Lorelai's eyes widened. "Oh, sweetie, no."

"I should get back to school," Rory said quickly. "I'll be here tomorrow afternoon with my laptop if you need to reach me." With that, she rushed toward the front exit of the hospital.

Lorelai watched her go, and felt Luke's arm wrap around her.

"What was that all about?" Luke asked.

Lorelai bit her lip. "She's in love with him."

Luke gave her a confused look. "What? How is that…? I mean…Jess isn't even Jess anymore…he's…"

She shook her head. "Jess is always going to be Jess to Rory."

Luke grimaced and took Lorelai's hand. "Come on. We should go see Jess, and make sure Liz isn't terrorizing him…"

Lorelai frowned and followed Luke, looking back at the door that Rory had left through.


End file.
